I guess chocolate costs more

It has begun; Valentine's Day is encroaching on the office. A basket of those chalky, horrible candy hearts with words written on them now sits on the table in the staff room. These aren't the ones from my childhood, however. As disgusting and corny as they were, at least they made sense. I'm seeing a few issues with the messages on the new ones. Let's take a look:

BEEP ME - This is a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. Were these run by Human Resources?

BE TRUE - Not something you should probably be saying via candy heart. If you have to remind somebody of this at all, there are larger issues that need attending to.

NO WAY - That's a little harsh for candy, isn't it?

HIGH 5 - Who? Why? On Valentine's Day?

TRUE ONE - I'm confused, wasn't this just in question?

U-R SURE - I am? Of what?

E-MAIL - Stapler! Telephone! Context! Is there lead paint on the walls?

Election night

This selection from Alan Moore's foreword to V For Vendetta has always struck a chord with me, but tonight it's ringing in my ears. It's getting louder and louder, and I just want it to go away.

It's 1988 now. Margaret Thatcher is entering her third term of office and talking confidently of an unbroken Conservative leadership well into the next century. My youngest daughter is seven and the tabloid press are circulating the idea of concentration camps for persons with AIDS. The new riot police wear black visors, as do their horses, and their vans have rotating video cameras mounted on top. The government has expressed a desire to eradicate homosexuality, even as an abstract concept, and one can only speculate as to which minority will be the next legislated against. I'm thinking of taking my family and getting out of this country soon, sometime over the next couple of years. It's cold and it's mean spirited and I don't like it here anymore.

Goodnight Alberta.

On Multiple Uses

Sarah: i don't care what you say, i LIKE how german sounds
Me: i suppose it's alright, if you're either trying to scare little children or thinking of starting a death metal band
Sarah: oh shut up
Me: or thinking of producing fetish porno for the internet
Sarah: oh fuck you
Me: or trying to play a convincing Hitler in a made for tv movie on CBS
Sarah: ...
Me: needless to say, i've been running low on blog ideas recently

In my defense it shows I am tolerant

This afternoon my sister and I had a conversation about her upcoming trip to the West Coast, where she and her friend will be staying in the lovely Fairmont Hotel. I had some ideas about what might happen.

In Excess

Overheard on the LRT on Canada Day:

Boy wearing a Pride shirt: So, did you hear that Rachel isn't a lesbian anymore?
Girl 1: That sucks!
Girl 2: Yeah, she was such a hot lesbian!
Girl 1: And she was so hardcore!
Boy: I mean, I can imagine being a little bi-curious, but to go all the way?

Functions

Esquire has compiled a list of The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master. Let's go through it:

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence.
3. Take a photo.
5. Name a book that matters.
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.
9. Write a letter.
11. Swim three different strokes
12. Show respect without being a suck-up.
15. Calculate square footage.
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (Thank you, iced tea classic!)
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.
23. Be loyal.
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
30. Feign interest.
31. Make a bed.
35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil (once).
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear.
44. Ask for help.
48. Remove a stain.
49. Say no.
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.
51. Build a campfire. (God knows how I remember, but I do.)
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.
57. Explain what a light-year is.
59. Write a thank-you note.
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product.
61. Cook bacon.
62. Hold a baby.
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.
70. Shake hands.
73. Caress a woman's neck. (Don't ruin this one for me.)

Apparently as far as the kitchen goes, a man only has to know how to cook meat. That enough is reason to pay little attention to the rest, though to be honest I thought it was pretty cool learning how to tell North using just your watch and the sun.

My possessions are transient

Me: how is studying going?
Kate: well I came close to nirvana but remembered I had laundry to do which instantly made me lose concentration, thus losing my only chance at enlightenment in this lifetime
Kate: c'est la vie
Me: I really really really hope your final is just one question:
Me: "Which Buddha is your favourite?"
Kate: Ooooo I hope so!
Me: i would also accept: "if you could be any buddha, which would it be and why?"
Kate: I definitely will have to go with Sakyamuni...he does have a lot going on
Me: since you STOLE my nirvana joke
Kate: gasp, that doesn't sound like me at all
Me: we've been hypothetical future roommates for 12 hours and you're ALREADY stealing my shit
Kate: well i try to do it when your back is turned but I have sticky fingers